It seems strange, inappropriate, even, to pen reflections for the year when December isn't even upon us. It may be the fact that I procrastinated posting 2007 reflections until it became redundant. It may be the fact that NIE has turned me into a mirror (whose raison d'etre is to reflect). Who knows, and who cares.
I suspect that the hours I will have to spend waiting for planes and... well, mostly planes... will give me more time to reflect and hopefully write things down instead of just engaging in solitary monologue with myself.
Someone asked me of this year, and of NIE, whether I had made any "lifelong friends". I don't remember who asked the question but it has been ringing in my mind ever since. I shan't break into a tirade about my feelings about NIE here and now. Suffice to say, the best thing about it is the lovely green that abounds. The view from Block 3 always calms me and the view from 199 as it enters the campus too. That, and I really loved Meranti as well. :) That being said, I think I have made a couple of good friends this year. And by that, I mean possibly two.
There is a change in me, and no, it's not just the hair. I've been exhibiting anti-social behaviour. And by this, I mean I have become lazy. I retracted myself in participating in the charade of civility, choosing rather to revel in solitude. Where people annoy me, I am more inclined to tell them off. While this has tended to repel people from me, I find myself appreciating my good friends more. In a way, it presents a harsh reality: the people who love you or accept you for who you are. I think I love my friends more and more with each passing day. And this year I've learnt so much about it.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Avenue You
Yay, I'm so excited I'm watching Avenue Q again today. I have to say, I never thought it would come to Singapore, with its ever overzealous censors.
Come on, with songs like
"It Sucks to be Me"
I'm going to write my own version soon. Let's see...
When I was little, I thought I would be
A big time bank exec at POSB
But now at NIE, I guess you can see
I'm not.
Nope.
Oh well.
It sucks to be me.
It sucks to be me.
It sucks to be broke, retrenched and then have to be
Working for ministry.
"Everyone's a little bit Racist"
Theme song of the next Racial Harmony Day?
"If You Were Gay"
Repeal 377? haha!
I swear, a Singapore version of Avenue Q would be hilarious. We should write it.
Come on, with songs like
"It Sucks to be Me"
I'm going to write my own version soon. Let's see...
When I was little, I thought I would be
A big time bank exec at POSB
But now at NIE, I guess you can see
I'm not.
Nope.
Oh well.
It sucks to be me.
It sucks to be me.
It sucks to be broke, retrenched and then have to be
Working for ministry.
"Everyone's a little bit Racist"
Theme song of the next Racial Harmony Day?
"If You Were Gay"
Repeal 377? haha!
I swear, a Singapore version of Avenue Q would be hilarious. We should write it.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
<3
I'm abashed.
I think I've been taking some of my friends for granted. sigh. There are a group of people who have always been wonderful to me. I'm awfully fond of them, regardless of their shenanigans. :O) There is much that I feel that I can't really express. I tried, but I couldn't. I will try again soon when it is not 3.30 am.
Tonight was a great night. A night filled with mirth, comedy and love. Lots of love in lots of layers.
It was the jolt I needed to get out of this funk I'm in. I'm focusing on the wrong people. haha.
Interestingly, I started my night at the Hyatt hotel. I ended it at Orchard Towers, amidst tarts and eclairs. And reeking of smoke and beer.
I think I've been taking some of my friends for granted. sigh. There are a group of people who have always been wonderful to me. I'm awfully fond of them, regardless of their shenanigans. :O) There is much that I feel that I can't really express. I tried, but I couldn't. I will try again soon when it is not 3.30 am.
Tonight was a great night. A night filled with mirth, comedy and love. Lots of love in lots of layers.
It was the jolt I needed to get out of this funk I'm in. I'm focusing on the wrong people. haha.
Interestingly, I started my night at the Hyatt hotel. I ended it at Orchard Towers, amidst tarts and eclairs. And reeking of smoke and beer.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
fuck empathy. save yourself.
Once upon a time, it used to be
Can I see another's woe
and not be in sorrow too?
Can I see another's grief
And not seek for kind relief?
Can I see a falling tear
And not feel my sorrow's share?
Blah.blah.blah.
And in one fell swoop, it suddenly became
Pity would be no more
If we did not make somebody poor
And Mercy no more could be
If all were as happy as we.
It's uncanny (and somewhat disturbing) how in the blink of an eye, I can embody all the different aspects of the Songs of Experience. Everything we lamented and critiqued about the world, manifested itself into physicality and entered my being. I have become the epitome of all I once abhorred.
"You're just jaded."
I'm tired. Sick and tired and just full of fatigue. I don't want to hear it anymore. Carrying other people's burden has now become physically painful. "Rationalisation is the essence of evil." "Anger is the hallmark of a healthy mind." All the quips and quotes I once expelled like a vending machine on crack. I can't take it anymore. Seriously. I'm only human. Empathy is a double edged sword.
I can sit there and listen to you whine and moan and lament and be bitter about the world. You can sit there and ask me what to do, what I think and I can (and I have) done all that I thought you needed. I have sat there in silence with you. I have sat across from you and listened. I have listened to you express your disdain for what they have done to you while thinking about how it was identical to what you did to me all those years ago. I have listened on the phone. I have held you tight. I have sat with you in the dark. And when you needed me to, I have told you what I think. I have told you what I would do in your situation, what I thought was the best cause of action. Because I love you and I want to see you happy. Don't you know that I share your pain?
The bloody cliche is that a sorrow shared is a sorrow halved. And laws of physics states that energy cannot be created nor destroyed. Where do you think it goes?
There is only so much I can take. And I am not a machine. There is only so much I can do. And after so many years, I think I'm running out of gas.
Whatever it was that was sustaining this, it's exhausted.
Somehow I have just ceased to give a shit.
And the unfortunate thing is that it's spreading like a disease coursing through my veins. It's spread. It's not just you anymore. I always said, indifference is worse that hatred. Indifference means you no longer care.
Dear you,
I no longer care.
I hereby withdraw my membership to your life.
Yours sincerely.
Can I see another's woe
and not be in sorrow too?
Can I see another's grief
And not seek for kind relief?
Can I see a falling tear
And not feel my sorrow's share?
Blah.blah.blah.
And in one fell swoop, it suddenly became
Pity would be no more
If we did not make somebody poor
And Mercy no more could be
If all were as happy as we.
It's uncanny (and somewhat disturbing) how in the blink of an eye, I can embody all the different aspects of the Songs of Experience. Everything we lamented and critiqued about the world, manifested itself into physicality and entered my being. I have become the epitome of all I once abhorred.
"You're just jaded."
I'm tired. Sick and tired and just full of fatigue. I don't want to hear it anymore. Carrying other people's burden has now become physically painful. "Rationalisation is the essence of evil." "Anger is the hallmark of a healthy mind." All the quips and quotes I once expelled like a vending machine on crack. I can't take it anymore. Seriously. I'm only human. Empathy is a double edged sword.
I can sit there and listen to you whine and moan and lament and be bitter about the world. You can sit there and ask me what to do, what I think and I can (and I have) done all that I thought you needed. I have sat there in silence with you. I have sat across from you and listened. I have listened to you express your disdain for what they have done to you while thinking about how it was identical to what you did to me all those years ago. I have listened on the phone. I have held you tight. I have sat with you in the dark. And when you needed me to, I have told you what I think. I have told you what I would do in your situation, what I thought was the best cause of action. Because I love you and I want to see you happy. Don't you know that I share your pain?
The bloody cliche is that a sorrow shared is a sorrow halved. And laws of physics states that energy cannot be created nor destroyed. Where do you think it goes?
There is only so much I can take. And I am not a machine. There is only so much I can do. And after so many years, I think I'm running out of gas.
Whatever it was that was sustaining this, it's exhausted.
Somehow I have just ceased to give a shit.
And the unfortunate thing is that it's spreading like a disease coursing through my veins. It's spread. It's not just you anymore. I always said, indifference is worse that hatred. Indifference means you no longer care.
Dear you,
I no longer care.
I hereby withdraw my membership to your life.
Yours sincerely.
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Wake Me Up When September Ends
I have spent September in a daze. Imagine the whirlwind of a Tazmanian Devil (the Looney Tunes one, not the actual animal)... and when it stops, the world spins. It's like that.
I don't feel great. Not just physically, either.
I feel like I've lost an essential part of myself. That it may have eroded away, leaving nothing but a memory, a whisper of a memory.
"Who are you, my lord?"
"Lear (Yati)'s shadow."
I found an old Blake essay some days ago, and it reminded me. It reminded me of who I used to be and who I wanted to be.
x
On the brighter side of life, I'm glad the Raya spirit caught up with me. I was starting to panic when the last day of Ramadhan came and I hadn't bought my baju kurung, hadn't cleaned my room, was fretting about social context and stakeholders of education... but it all came into place, even the spirit.
:)
Traditions in place.
x
There are so many things on my plate, on my head. And not even all of them mine.
In this instant I am reminded of Robert Frost.
I don't feel great. Not just physically, either.
I feel like I've lost an essential part of myself. That it may have eroded away, leaving nothing but a memory, a whisper of a memory.
"Who are you, my lord?"
"Lear (Yati)'s shadow."
I found an old Blake essay some days ago, and it reminded me. It reminded me of who I used to be and who I wanted to be.
x
On the brighter side of life, I'm glad the Raya spirit caught up with me. I was starting to panic when the last day of Ramadhan came and I hadn't bought my baju kurung, hadn't cleaned my room, was fretting about social context and stakeholders of education... but it all came into place, even the spirit.
:)
Traditions in place.
x
There are so many things on my plate, on my head. And not even all of them mine.
In this instant I am reminded of Robert Frost.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
escapism is essential
Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Funniest thing everrrr!!!!
"die. Die. DIE. I CAN'T!"
Dracula Musical! hahahahahahaaaaaaa
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Sometimes it's better to just walk away
The best thing about depression is sometimes the clarity that comes like after a rainstorm clears the haze. The truly essential things emerge, albeit invisible. The elusive balm of the soul transcends distance and shoots from heart to heart, like a travelling hug at supersonic speed. It's the strength of a friendship, and a testament to the power of technology.
That's how you know that the hours you spent, the energy you invested and the emotions you so unwittingly put at stake - that's how you know they were not in vain, that it wasn't a total waste of time.
And the distance that you feared, that you perhaps now even resent, that physical distance is only there to make sure you never take any of it for granted.
Distance is a funny, funny thing. Sometimes the people closest to you in terms of proximity can be so unreachable, so ... distant (in all terms of the word) and yet the people on opposite ends of the world can feel so close.
{{{i heart u muchly}}}
That's how you know that the hours you spent, the energy you invested and the emotions you so unwittingly put at stake - that's how you know they were not in vain, that it wasn't a total waste of time.
And the distance that you feared, that you perhaps now even resent, that physical distance is only there to make sure you never take any of it for granted.
Distance is a funny, funny thing. Sometimes the people closest to you in terms of proximity can be so unreachable, so ... distant (in all terms of the word) and yet the people on opposite ends of the world can feel so close.
{{{i heart u muchly}}}
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