little miss angsty strikes again

I know that by now, I should no better than to expect anything. And I know that all one can do is just deal with whatever comes (or doesn't come) our way. But that doesn't mean it's any less frustrating! And since no engineer has yet created the on/off switch for stupid emotions, people around me too, will just have to deal with my mood swings.

lol, I've been ranting a lot in the office these past couple of weeks. My fellow SAs have had to bear witness to the manifestation of little miss googly-eyed for one day and exchange worried looks with each other over why yati is smiling and giggling to herself again; little miss angry bitch who ranted and raved about some random insensitive bitch who made the mistake of incurring her latent and repressed wrath thereby unleashing the monster within... and i suppose today, they will have to deal with little miss depressed-though-she-should-know-better. I'm a whole Little Miss Series by myself. I should get t-shirts. Unfortunately, the ones I've seen cost waaay too much for any sane person to spend money on. As much as I support displaying one's identity on one's chest, I just refuse on the basis of principle to pay S$47 for it. Even if it was embroidered with mithril or gold or bird's nest. I say, for that price, you might as well read the expression on my face. hahaha... then again, maybe it's for people like that stupid dragon-wrath-incurrer (otherwise known as the subject of last week's Rant) who are unable to read people's expressions and react accordingly.

I wonder what life, what society would be like if one day t-shirts were invented that displayed the wearer's thoughts. Man, what a mess that would be.

I've been thinking a lot lately, about how one's self worth is contingent on technology these days. I once had a theory that people entered relationships (as in romantic relationships) for self validation and when they broke up, the pain and the mess were all in response to the shattering of one's validation and self esteem. If we finally reach the stage of confidence when we are so self-assured and confident that we don't need anyone else validating our existence... then I'd say men would probably be obsolete. Or more accurately, love would be obsolete. Relationships would be redundant. Or maybe they'll just evolve into something else. Let's face it... deep down inside, everyone is a little insecure. Everyone just wants to be loved. Sometimes it's amazing how much a little hug can mean to someone's day.

And yes, I just realised that I never followed up on my thought about the contingency of self worth on technology. oh well, luckily this is a blog post and not an essay.

I think I may have made a terrible mistake in my rush to come back to campus. I'm going crazy.

Intro to self
- 4th and final year FASS student
- Sociology major, writing thesis on interactions between exchange students and NUS students
Where I went
- Queen's University in Kingston
- between Toronto and Montreal
- 2nd sem of 2nd year (2005)
Why?
- experience Canadian winter
- something completely different
- challenge myself
- isolate myself from everything familiar and see how i thrive
- travel, seize opportunity to see the other side of the world
- escape Singapore, venture beyond my comfort zone
Friends/Student Unions/School Spirit Festivals/Culture

- Harkness Hall: living with people from Canada, Hong Kong, France, UK
- speed dating, movie nights, school productions
- attending conferences: AIESEC, ASUS
- going on trips: Toronto, Montreal, Ottawa, Niagara, Quebec
- applying concepts learnt: in terms of tourism, geography
- meeting locals: Nick, Emily, Scott
- birthdays: minnie’s surprise party, sacha’s birthday

Studying
- profs and students
- learning new things: IDIS 306 Culture, Identity and Self with Paul Fairfield; French; Women and reproductive technology; Religion and Film
- most learning happened outside the classroom from talking to people, observing surroundings, building relationships
- studying by the lake, studying on the grass

Shopping & Eating
- foodwise, I acquired a fondness for salads and pasta; fortune cookies; Asian food, cheap pizza, living like a starving student
- shopping… was not everything


New things
- Skiing, skating, curling, ice hockey
- learning French, picking up Spanish
- traveling solo
- pub culture: socializing
- making the best out of everything: even though I don’t drink, I learnt about the social habits of Canadians
- representing Singapore: goring pisang tak jadi, fettucine and oyster sauce

Day to day life
- supermarkets: walmart, food basics, A&P

Places of interest
- Staying at Nick’s for a weekend
- Fort Henry
- Toronto’s vintage culture; very cool
- Ottawa’s museums and galleries
- New York City’s EVERYTHING

along the way

It's been a long time since I've last penned my thoughts on anything permanent that I can hold against myself. Too many thoughts, too many emotions, too many wrong turns. I've always thought that you blog when you're upset. It's as CS Lewis says "We don't write to be understood, we write to understand." I haven't written anything. I just did it.

Here's the rub: At the end of the day, you just have to deal with it. Whatever it is. There's really no use dwelling about things. I was thinking in the office today that we're always victims of our own narratives. We make excuses, we victimise ourselves. If we were to step back and look at ourselves, what would we see? Who did we hurt along the way? Whose heart did we stamp on? I like to think the best of people, regardless of how naive it may seem to be. I really doubt that people make decisions to be bitchy or full of malice or to break someone's heart, spirit or soul. I think sometimes we all just try to save our own asses first. And we're blind to everything else.

I'm done.
I'm moving on.
I may have lost 6 or 7 years but damn it, at least it wasn't 10 or 20.
At the end of the day, I'm gonna have to contend with the voices in my head and if they're okay with me then so am I.