encore.

I found this particular post I wrote - what - two years ago? And goodness, its sentiments still ring true today. Spooky.

Ever wonder if your life (or why) is lived out in leitmotifs?

I do.

yatz (yatzerooni) wrote,@ 2006-02-08 23:53:00

it's all relative.This week has been incredibly surreal. It's true what they say - regardless of how bad you think things are going for you, there is always somebody who's having an even worse time. Compared to recent events, my problems are puny and petty. Still, it has stimulated thought and reflection in one who rarely thinks.

Disasters like 9/11 and the tsunami are grandscale disasters. You know a bad thing happened, and you feel sorry for them, but they're a distant reality. When someone closer to home, someone you care about encounters a terrible loss, your reality gets shaken. You take stock of the people in your life and evaluate your relationships with them. What would you regret if they were to be gone tomorrow? And if you knew you'd never see them again - ever - what would you do? What would you say to them? Would you still waste your time on people you don't care about? Life is fragile.

This is not a proper time to bring up my new obsession with Grey's Anatomy, but this week's episode began with her questioning why people procrastinate doing something... and amounted it to fear, until it becomes akin to carrying around a 60 pound tumour everywhere you go. You don't go to the doctor when you find strange pus-filled bumps all over your body. You wait to see if it goes it away. You PRAY that it goes away. You're scared of what it might be. It could be cancer. Or it could be a skin infection. One thing about knowing you're going to expire is that there's nothing left to fear. People talk all the time about seizing the day. We should start doing it. But that's the idealist in me talking.

In reality, I don't think people really want you to declare your feelings for them. Whatever they may be. If I were to solemnly stop one day in the middle of my mee pok dry, look up at my lunch companion, look at them straight in the eye and tell them that I love them, appreciate their presence in my life and would be a mere fraction of the person I am today without them, I think they would get very uneasy. It's a notion saved for birthday cards and light moments in a "love ya, babe" sentiment. Or it's something you show in other little ways. It's all in interpretation - Clifford Geertz's notion of a wink and twitch.

Contrary to what people think of me, and strangely, contrary to the way I perceive myself also, I am terrible with showing emotion. Or with sharing my feelings. I always speak of them in a third-party way. I am socially awkward. I avoid things with standard expectations of social graces because I'm afraid I'll make a terrible faux pas. Which I tend to do. So I get stiff. I stay silent. I smile. I hold back my tears to the best of my ability. I never know what to say. This social shortcoming, I only acknowledged today.

There are times when I want so much to just grab a person and hold them. Or be held. I feel that's one of life's greatest comforts - a good embrace. And that's the best I can offer. When it comes to saying things, I'm stumped. People say I wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't usually have to say anything, the way I feel about someone is often plastered on my forehead. Usually. Last night, my 'rift' and issues with former alliances came in question. Someone called me on it. At least I am civil to them now, but I don't bother being warm. I didn't expect to be called on it. What's going on in my life right now is that a piece of my history is being revised, edited. Second/Third/Fourth Edition. The thing with history is that you don't want your stupidity to repeat itself. You make mistakes to repeat them, and then learn from the scars. You don't want to regress. But times have changed, and you know who you are and what you want (maybe). What is it you want to know? It's something deeply entrenched in emotion. Something you don't want to drown in. But something you're irrevocably drawn towards.

Proceed with Caution.There is no Lifetime Guarantee on friendships. It's a living, thriving thing which you can quell with unconscious cruelty, neglect with time or nurture with mutual effort. It can fade away, it can expire. It can break, and it can be put together. I've learnt so much this week, and it's only Wednesday.One thing I can say about this -It forces you to mature, whether you're ready for it or not.But don't worry. You're not alone.