Angsty Angst

In The Little Prince, the fox tells the prince that "words are a source of misunderstanding." I never thought I would admit this out loud, but I wholeheartedly agree. There's too much incriminating evidence to its testament. *lol* Letters and me inevitably lead to some kind of disaster, albeit of varying degrees. So, yes. Words are indeed a source of misunderstanding if only because of all the things that remain unsaid. And in the silence, in the absence, in the void of these unspoken words that should seek to explain, the process of interpretation takes place. Even in the presence of words, interpretation takes place. And this only beging to explain the chaos of my life.

Then again, take away the words and even more confusing it becomes! You start interpreting actions instead and you believe things you want to believe that just... sustains you for a year or two until reality crashes that illusion.

There are things that need to be said. Things that need explaining. Yet I know I'll never say them and I know there are some things I'll never know, I'll never understand. There was a time I thought expression was the epitome of a healthy mind. That was little miss idealist, drunk on Blake ideology. She got slapped in the face by Old Man Experience. and people who don't believe in Blake ideology.

As much as it was a torment to my soul and a series of implosions of angst and anguish, I miss it. I miss the familiarity, the implied trust, the glimmer of hope which always seemed to hover around us, darting in the shadows... I miss the comfort, the excitement, the little silly thrills. I miss the poetry. The eyes.

The special feeling.

I wish I could banish the doubts and erase the empty bitter years. I want to throw caution to the wind and fuck propriety and just... release the truth into the wind. But I can't and I won't because I've been socialised too well. And you demonstrated before that you didn't want to know. My silence is appreciated, it allows your soul a peaceful conscience. I missed the boat. The Train Don't Stop Here Anymore.

So the next time I see you I'll just pray to God my eyes don't betray my silence.