Contrary to what it may sound like, I am not complaining.
But I have had very little sleep this week. Sporadic.
I'm weak, what can I say?
Without sleep, i get cranky.
*yawn*
Paper due in 2.5 hours. - 5 minutes. GAH.
I'm hungry.
& I'm nowhere near done!!

i have chicken pox.

- do you have a fever?
- umm, i'm not sure.
- you need to check?
- uhh yeah, i think i probably should check.

*couple of minutes later*

38.4 degrees.
- yeah, i think i have a fever. is that a fever?
- yes, it's a high fever.
- oh. okay.

good times need to be blogged.

I should be more stressed out than I am right now. But in this moment, academics aside, I am happy and I am content with the people in my life. I think it's very heartwarming to know that no matter what happens in your life, there will always be people who care about you and love you despite yourself. heh. <3 And for some reason, I was happy last night too.

That picture above... it was taken when we were in sec 4. The year 2000. I was happy. This is such an inarticulate post, but whatever. haha. I need to go do research on the social welfare state. *blows kisses*

rock the boat, don't tip the boat over...

I swiped the picture off Kim's facebook profile... heehee. It's the first picture that's got all of us in it. Gosh, I remember that boat was ROCKY. haha... It was on our way back from Sibu. :o) Happy days those were...

story of my life lah.

"I know I love in vain, strive against hope.
Yet in this captious and intenable sieve
I still pour in the waters of my love,
And lack not to lose still"

- Shakespeare

a spirit hampered

Veronika said you should never get used to anything; and she's right.

Here's one reason why you shouldn't procrastinate: it usually happens that when you're halfway through a project or preparing for a presentation for tomorrow (or later today) you realise that the past 14 slides you've been working on are irrelevant and that the main bulk of important ideas are in the 20 pages you didn't finish reading.

I haven't been procrastinating, I've been spending the past couple of days pulling my hair out over too many things. Watch out for those bald patches.

Yesterday I described my relationship with Sociology as to this History major as "I ran off with my adulterous lover", referring to Lit as my true love. Sometimes I wonder if it's analogous to my life. See, the first 3 years of Soci were honestly awesome. No regrets about my decision. Here in my final and fourth year, the going is tough and my support network is weak and dispersed within the academic realm. (I feel like I need to quantify that lest I come across as being an ingrate) ARGH.

No, I'm not having the most fantastic time. Social welfare policies don't fascinate me the least bit and I crave some Blake or Romantic prose.

good meat and belly dancers

Sometimes, someone says the right things or you take a step in the right direction and life doesn't seem as dismal as it did mere moments ago.

As refreshing as a breath of crisp, brisk air, the past few days have been cheerful or upbeat, at least. This is not to say that they were without their stresses or disappointments, but they were not altogether depressing so I say it's a cause for celebration.

Last night was the Appreciation Dinner for IED. Honestly, the office keeps feeding the students. haha, first it was the $5 lunch allowance at IED itself (which I didn't get cos I was getting paid), then it's this dinner... Not to mention the Americas tea session next week. haha. Of course, there were the FOUR receptions I had to plan for the Aggies when they were here.

ANYWAY, we went to Ambrosia on either Arab Street or Baghdad Street and to be honest, I was really tired by the time I actually got on the bus but my spirits were lifted once I got some food in me. It's a nice cosy place. An intimate setting which would have been perfect for a group of 6 or 10 at most but for 80 pax let's just say some reshuffling was needed.

The FOOD was an interesting gastronomical experience. For one, it was a buffet in the dark so I was literally not knowing what I was eating and depending entirely on my sense of taste. Most of it was delish, good creamy and rich Middle Eastern cuisine and here is where I wish I were well versed in the art of talking about food so I could say more than the meat sent me through the roof. What I thought was hummus, however, was something much smoother in consistency and sweeter in taste. So it didn't exactly appeal to me. lol. So last night was an experience of how something familiar (pita & hummus looking things and meat) manifested into a different kind of eating experience.

It didn't appeal to Lakon at all, though. lol. What was interesting for me, sociologically, was the fact that it was a First for that whole room of people. And it's interesting to think about why Yuni picked a Middle Eastern place to host dinner for over 60 exchange kids instead of something more obviously Singaporean. :) And the social interactions that emerged from that setting - the distribution of people according to their nationalities/sections/roles of office... How they interacted over the food... The gender roles were interesting though, because it was one of the dudes from the office who was helping to dispense the drinks... haha. "I'm waiting to see how you respond to the food before I try it."

I'm not saying I was exactly sitting there doing non-participant observation as rationalization for sitting there in anti-social silence. Well, although I was (relatively) quiet while eating my yummy food... haha. Truth be told there really is no such thing as a quiet moment around Christine, Limin and Lakon. haha. And Christine's stuffed PIG! hahahaaa

There was a belly dancer and my overzealous booty shaking at IED almost got me implicated but... hehe... lucky I remained safe as a spectator. heheee.

I was reminising about Queens' (again!) with Jun - here's an observation about what happens when NUS returnees meet exchange students from their host uni - they reminisce! haha. :) Anyway, we went for sheeshah, where Jeremy reminded me of the caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland (the Disney version).

Still, my frame of mine yesterday has to be credited to someone or something else - an unlikely source. You know, sometimes you forget things you set out to do, things you say, things you intend to do... You get swept off your path. All you need is someone to remind you of what's important in life, and what makes you happy. It's strange but the load on my back got considerably lighter after that. I think life is more pleasant when you know there are people out there who care about you - without obligations. So thanks. :)

i'll swear it all over again.

lyk, OmYgAwDnEsS we went to see Westlife yesterday. They were sOoOoO sooperduper lyk, cute!!! *squeeeee*

HAHAHAHAHAA.
Yes, a trip through my past through the journey of Westlife last night. I got a message offering me tickets to Westlife so after the initial decline, I thought about the lousy week I've been having and how it might be nice to just surround myself in collective effervescence and scream my head off like an insipid hormonal teenage fangirl.

I got zai, nadz and nad's sis to go with me and I do believe the only true fan amongst us was Nad's sister. Still, I had fun and it was lovely to hang out with the Merepek meropoks. :) Great stress relief. Plus, they never fail to make me smile. :) *hugz, dudes*

Today was great too. I'm glad I decided to go to Nisa's graduation get together after all - got to see all my friends again - i really really miss all these people. Got to hang out with my sexmates again and somehow or rather also saw a couple of ex-PRSS people I never really knew... haha.

sweetness!

rescue me, somebody.

"There's an empty place inside of me that only he can fill."
metaphorically speaking, of course. :P

*sigh* The song makes me sad. My unresolved issues make me sad. Over dinner with mash and shang I realised (or rather, they pointed out) that I still haven't accomplished the things I wanted to do 6 years ago. Or should I say, since six years ago. As I unveiled my new plan, they pointed out that it was the plan of 6 years ago, repackaged. The plan was to clean my room, declutter my life of undesirable elements. lol. Detox my life. I resolve to do it by the end of this month so I can have the next 6 years to obsess over something other than the clutter in my life. Clutter - useless things you accumulate that take up the space of things that could be meaningful. I think it's sad that I see so little of the people who make me happy, the little beacons who light up my life. It's just disappointing, some of the choices I've made these past years. I've had some regrets and maybe things would have turned out better had I done something differently but I have no power over that now so better I concentrate on things I do eh?

Right now I'm very overwhelmed. I didn't do my homework. I haven't not done homework since primary school, when, as the annals of history would show, I was a monster child - every teacher's nightmare. But I'm in freaking university now! I'm struggling with a one page memo due three days ago. What the hell is wrong with me.

IED has completely thrown me off and I'm gonna need to work triply hard to catch up now. My Justice presentation is NEXT freaking week and I've got no freaking idea what the freaking hell is going on... My Qualitative memo lies in shards and fragments of ideas before me... I have to skip my Computing lecture yet again to deal with it (although I have been going for the tutorials)... I am a little bit lost in Social Policy. ARGH. I need to get my life in order.

I'm sad that the people who were there for me last semester/last year have walked out of my life, even if they're still around. It just... it just saddens me is all. I guess Honours year really is an individual endeavour.

IED was good, by the way. And it was partly schoolwork - networking for contacts for my thesis interviews. :) Plus, I'm getting paid for it so w00t!

Speaking of w00ts, *KICKS*.

Angsty Angst

In The Little Prince, the fox tells the prince that "words are a source of misunderstanding." I never thought I would admit this out loud, but I wholeheartedly agree. There's too much incriminating evidence to its testament. *lol* Letters and me inevitably lead to some kind of disaster, albeit of varying degrees. So, yes. Words are indeed a source of misunderstanding if only because of all the things that remain unsaid. And in the silence, in the absence, in the void of these unspoken words that should seek to explain, the process of interpretation takes place. Even in the presence of words, interpretation takes place. And this only beging to explain the chaos of my life.

Then again, take away the words and even more confusing it becomes! You start interpreting actions instead and you believe things you want to believe that just... sustains you for a year or two until reality crashes that illusion.

There are things that need to be said. Things that need explaining. Yet I know I'll never say them and I know there are some things I'll never know, I'll never understand. There was a time I thought expression was the epitome of a healthy mind. That was little miss idealist, drunk on Blake ideology. She got slapped in the face by Old Man Experience. and people who don't believe in Blake ideology.

As much as it was a torment to my soul and a series of implosions of angst and anguish, I miss it. I miss the familiarity, the implied trust, the glimmer of hope which always seemed to hover around us, darting in the shadows... I miss the comfort, the excitement, the little silly thrills. I miss the poetry. The eyes.

The special feeling.

I wish I could banish the doubts and erase the empty bitter years. I want to throw caution to the wind and fuck propriety and just... release the truth into the wind. But I can't and I won't because I've been socialised too well. And you demonstrated before that you didn't want to know. My silence is appreciated, it allows your soul a peaceful conscience. I missed the boat. The Train Don't Stop Here Anymore.

So the next time I see you I'll just pray to God my eyes don't betray my silence.

Emily Dickinson knows my heart.

XI. COMPENSATION.
For each ecstatic instant
We must an anguish pay
In keen and quivering ratio
To the ecstasy.
For each beloved hour
Sharp pittances of years,
Bitter contested farthings
And coffers heaped with tears.

"You need more color in your wardrobe"

I've been meaning to tell everybody about my summer with the Aggies, but alas, once more this must wait. Today I want to blog about yesterday. Yesterday was an Aggie day, whatever it means to have an Aggie day without a single one of them. Well, let me tell you all about it.

Yesterday I wore one of the 2 tops that Kim got me.hehe. And of course, that day ran through my head. And what a freaking sad day it was. Bob, Fernando, Mike, Kim and I had headed out to Bugis Village on what was their last full day in Singapore. Kim was p.o-ed with Jonathan for not getting up to go to Batam as they'd planned and Fernie had gotten her one of those cute sunflower chocolates to cheer her up. (By the way, you've gotta forgive my confusion of tenses here. I think I was daydreaming the day the teacher was going through Past participle and Past tense in primary school.) ANYWAY. We were in Giordano cos Fernie wanted to buy a shitload of cheap polo shirts. Mike and Bobby were of course, bored as hell, haha, but Kim motioned me over and made me try on this pink tank top and a green halter, admonishing me when I picked up something black - "You need more color in your wardrobe!" Of course, that statement was ringing through my head all day yesterday when I was wearing it. *lol* Thanks Kim. :) The others went back to pack and Bob and I went to Orchard for Food Odyssey Part Dos. It was sad, he kept pointing out "LAST DAY" signs because incidentally, it was also the last day of the Great Singapore Sale.

/flashback

haha. The first day school started actually, I already thought of Kim, but it ran through my mind again yesterday. The bazaar at the Forum, and the little stalls along the AS 1 walkway reminded me of her. My first thought was "Kim would love this!" lol... I'm sure she would have found some flipflops or t-shirts or earrings to buy. And I'm sure Jonathan would have too. *lol*

So yesterday...
I was sitting on the Forum steps, opposite from the exact spot I'd been sitting with Bobby the day we'd had lunch at the Deck. And some random dude came out of the lift, took out his skateboard and skated out of the Forum. Weird and random and reminded me of Bob. Prior to that, I'd met both the GEK teachers on two separate occasions, I might add. lol... Then at City Hall.... Well, City Hall holds a dozen magic moments within it for us all...

Oh, I'm also a dingbat. I forgot my wallet yesterday. haha! And I've managed to owe more than $60 already. Thanks shidah for helping me pay for the deposits for the SC4213 texts ($40), thanks Iris for paying for the choir ticket ($15) and dinner ($6.25) first, thanks for the uber-yummilicious cheesecake maya and thanks to adyll for lunch. :)

*hugs out to all*

Clearing out the system

Here's just some random musings - things to exhume from my mind to make room for all the Sociology coming up in the week. ;)

Sunday night was a much belated rendezvous with Lokie. Was fabulous to just sit and talk about NIE, Malay, travelling... and my thesis. My thesis seems to be a pet conversation topic of mine - get used to it, people. I suspect you will hear little of anything else in the coming year. >,< Lokie helped me out, and we talked about some of the challenges I might face with my topic. Eymani was supposed to come too, but she had to work late. I'm looking forward to a nice cosy reunion of the sexmates. lol.

Tonight I met up with Suan Lee. Chairil was supposed to come too, but he had to work late. I miss my boys! It's a little reassuring to know that some things stay the same, and SL and Chairil remind me off innocent days of secondary school which were the best days of my life.

My mother thinks Bobo is pregnant.

I still need a supervisor.

Remind me to tell you about my Life Makeover. It began with an epiphany in a Borders aisle, incidentally, during a Depressed Day. I was perusing something called The Big Book of Me, something which would inevitably catch the interest of a sociopath like yours truly. A random page opened and it spoke of two kinds of friends - Friends who Energise and Friends who Drain you. I have both. I am not proud of the fact, and up to that moment I was laced with guilt at the very idea of thinking of my friends as "draining". I thought I had insecurity issues (I probably atill do - but the point is that now I can acknowledge it without guilt because, hey, it's not me!) but then there you go. Now that I can acknowledge it, what am I going to do about it? I have the power. I can reconfigure my reality. So I either have to find a new paradigm so hanging out with some people isn't so full of agony and I don't sit, festering, thinking I'd rather be poking my arm with a series of sharp pokers and feeling slighted OR I can simply NOT HANG OUT WITH THEM. Shang and Mash and everyone I whine to keep telling me that but out of obligation, I've just kept doing it. I talked to Mike, and he stated the obvious: If you don't tell them what they're doing wrong, how are they going to change?

Valid points, all of them. "I was angry with my friend/I told my friend/My wrath did end/I was angry with my foe/I told him not/My wrath did grow". *HUGS BLAKE* Personally, honestly, I don't see the point in a confrontation. I may be wrong, but ANYWAY. My point: my life is in my control. I'm responsible for my own decisions.

My thesis statement, so to say, is this: Henceforth, I am going to try as far as I may, to make intelligent and informed rational decisions about my life. Especially those which have a direct influence on my happiness. I am eager to be content with my life, screw whoever who stands in my way. Now I'm not being idealistic here. I know it won't be easy. But I intend to face every obstacle in my way and try my best to overcome them. I guess my Life Makeover is just my goal to be happy. Do something productive about my misgivings. Etc.

I'm clearing out my room. Those of you who know me and actually seen my room will know the magnitude of this endeavour. I'm a sentimental fool. I keep junk. Well I figure, I need to clear out old clutter to make way for the new. Both metaphorically and literally. Applies to both people and things.

ZAIFAAAA!!! I'm waiting for my list.... heheheheeeee.... Can't wait! :)

you & me, against the world

hahaaa... I'm in a really great mood now. :)
Thanks to Balwinder, Joanne, Lokie and of course, dear Christophe.
It's uncanny.

Nobody knew about the weight on my heart. How it had momentarily frozen. How the progress I thought I'd made over the past couple of weeks vanished in an invisible puff of something possibly illegal or fictional. Nobody knew about the latent anger within me, how I wanted to ... well, hurl something flammable at somebody. How I felt like there was a glass wall between me and what I needed - so close, yet so far.

ANYWAY. Then people started talking to me. And I talked about my thesis topic and crap and then Christophe came on and he's just lovely! I miss Christophe!! And he was wonderful and all French and reminded me of happy Canada days and je veux un homme and tu est beau gargon and Eymeric... hahaaa

so you can take your stupid geeky thing and shove it where the sun don't shine, moron.

the only thing worse than your absence is your silence

oh god, karma is indeed cruel.

"If I never see you again, then think of me now and then
Though it hurts so deeply
They say all good things come to an end"

The SONG is PLAYING on my freaking radio, and all I want to do is fling something flammable at it.

Emotional Management, Easy Answers and Idealism

I wish there was a pill or a candy bar I could eat to just make all these unwanted feelings and sensations go away. (There is - it's called Prozac. haha) I know what I'm doing when I'm wishing for all these pills or stupid switches to make unwanted emotions dissipate - I'm looking for an easy solution. And I, of all people know that technological determinism is probably not the way to go. These things tend to dehumanise you. Or me, whatever.

It took a while to occur to me, though, that every individual (at least in contemporary society, Marianne Dashwood excluded) is actually equipped with their own internal on/off emotion switch. It's called Emotional Management and everyone uses it everyday. In Sociology of Emotions, we talked about how prostitutes sacrifice their emotional satisfaction for economic enfranchisement. We made the same analogy to service workers. If that analogy holds, then are we not all some kind of whore? We all inevitably sacrifice our idealism to the market (and yes, I have theories about that too) and we all try to manipulate our emotions in some way or another. To convince ourselves that something is for the best, to guard ourselves against inevitable heartbreak, to deal with the inevitable heartbreak when it finally descends...

Emotional Management is necessary in society, we are all expected to make emotional whores of ourselves. Look at Marianne Dashwood as an example of what happens to you when you indulge in excessive sensibility: you end up sick and on the brink of death, inconvening everyone around you and you end up settling for Colonel Brandon instead of the Willoughby who you love, but is a whorrific prick himself. Plus, you end up being a social outcast, having broken the laws of propriety of the Victorian age you live in. heh. See, that's what happens when you put faith in abstract concepts and vagueness and things that were "always implied but never declared" (Austen). Even if they did, for a brief period of time, made you feel that perhaps existence isn't overrated after all and that life had meaning. -shrug- They don't call me Queen of Denial for nothing, you know.

Unfortunately, Blogspot ate up the better half of this post concerning idealism, youth, Blake's Songs and Easy Answers. I think I can recall some of the Easy Answer bit, but there was a wonderfully effusive and emotional motivational spiel which preceded it which I really wish hadn't gotten deleted because it balanced out the whole "Hayati is a Useless Whiner" theme of the post. It was great. ANYWAY.

Easy Answers are a tad like Cheap Chocolate and Fast Food (alliterations are mere coincidences!) - addictive, unsatisfying and will probably contribute to your premature aging/death. I think we've all watched enough movies to know that they don't really answer anything and to quote a line fromo Joan of Arcadia yesterday, "It's not about the answers. It's about asking the right questions." In Scitech lecture last semester, the prof was talking about how good questions are those which churn other questions - to which a (probably lost) Engineering dude asked "Why do Sociologists ask so many questions? Where are the answers?" I guess life is about exploring all possible truths, experiencing all the joy and pain that life has to answer. Perhaps the answer is that there is no answer; you have to live and experience the questions.

Adam Sandler's new movie - Click - intrigued me in a sense. Now, while I don't want to forward my life past the pain, I think it would be nifty to go watch old memories. Then again, it would be just as easy to get lost in the past instead of living in the present, which is what I must learn to do. Still, a Pensieve would be pretty nifty too. :)

See, this embrace of pain is a very idealistic notion. How as youth, we are so willing to sacrifice ourselves to the Gods of Idealism. Blake's Innocent Songs. Imagination. Egalitarianism. Expression. When ideals are mere ideas. Beautiful ornamental ideas. And as we grow up and reality clashes. When little rocks hurl themselves against our idealistic notions and values as the world of real Experience takes over our lives. "He who desires but acts not breeds pestilence." Repression. Rationalism. Reason as teh Evil. When Marianne Dashwood indulges her ideals against the social mores of her time, she almost dies. And then she sells out. "Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds" (Shakespeare, Sonnet 18?) It's a sweet concept, but when faced with a cheating adulterous spouse, are you going to keep loving him the same way? I suppose there has to be a compromise. Perhaps now it's a little bit clearer why Old John and the Nurse from the Innocence songs - perhaps now I know why they're so revered. It's a matter of keeping that childlike vision, the ability to see "heaven in hell's despite", holding on to what you believe in despite everything else you've seen and gone through. To be able to wield your pain and use it to productive means.

I've always said that if you can't change your situation, you have to change your mindset. At the end of the day, it's all about control. It's true that sometimes, your thoughts can be harder to wield than your actions but if you know how to manipulate them... you could be the most optimistic and happiest person in the world. I just need to learn that skill.

I'm very frustrated that blogspot ate my post. I was proud of it. But see, I never learn from my past experiences. I always get so drawn into the moment of what I'm doing that it slips my mind to protect myself... and my post. I suppose one forgets. And there's always something to be learnt out of everything that happens (or doesn't happen). I know for a fact that I don't want to be like William Blake's The Angel, "shielding her fears with ten thousand spears".

William Blake's The Angel
I dreamt a dream! What can it mean?
And that I was a maiden Queen
Guarded by an Angel mild:
Witless woe was ne'er beguiled!
And I wept both night and day,
And he wiped my tears away;
And I wept both day and night,
And hid from him my heart's delight.
So he took his wings, and fled;
Then the morn blushed rosy red.
I dried my tears, and armed my fears
With ten thousand shields and spears.
Soon my Angel came again;
I was armed, he came in vain;
For the time of youth was fled,
And grey hairs were on my head.

"life is painless for the brainless"

There are times when I think I'm inextricably drawn towards ephemerality. Sometimes I think I'm like King Lear in Act 1. Yes, the scene with Cordelia and "Nothing will come out of nothing." There are many, many wonderful lines in Wicked, but right now the one I wish to spotlight is "Life is painless for the brainless."

When you don't question things, when you accept everything as it is... life should be easy like that eh? A lot more pleasant. Honestly, studying Sociology should come with a warning label. lol. I'm only kidding of course. And everyone wonders what the hell I'm ranting about now.

I wish I had a Pensieve. Plus a RESET button on life. Also, I wish I could Eternal Sunshine somethings out of my life. I'm being rash and ranting and I do know that these things happen to strengthen and teach and how you have to learn from life and all that bullshit...

I suppose I should go and e-mail a professor and ask them to be my supervisor instead of sitting here lamenting... oh well, at least you're not dead right? Not that that matters because the way things are right now, you might as well be. There would be no difference, except then I'd know.

Fuck lah.

"Wishing you were somehow here again"

I was (am) randomly blog surfing and I clicked on a file which played "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" from the OST of Phantom of the Opera. Took me awhile to realise, but the title of the song at least, articulated what I was (am) thinking.

In my head, I'm thinking about my Aggies and how happy I was during their time here. I was pondering about not having to leave the country for a holiday from my life. How it was inevitable that they had to leave and truly, if they were to stay it is highly unlikely that it would have been as special as it was. Random thoughts and precious memories running through my head.

One day, as I've been meaning to, I will post all about it. From the first time I met them at the PGP bus terminal to our last moments in the airport. I miss them a lot still. And I really do wish they were somehow here again still.

:) first smile in a week

I finally smiled today. :) My precious laptop gave me a bit of a scare this morning when it refused to turn on. I took it to the Toshiba service centre at the science faculty though, and apparently, the connection is loose. But all files in tact, thank god. I spent a long time doing up the SEP balances for work, so I was fretful about that and all the photos, too. Honestly, I'm incorrigible.

But finally, some good news: Jae's back! woohoo. Good to be at the airport and not be leaking from the eyes. Found ourselves at Borders after a loong and trying check in (3 hour wait at PGP is fun for none) and I realise how much I LOVE bookstores. Borders and Kino are my favourite. The feng shui there is wonderful. haha. I picked up some books which somehow managed to make me smile again (first time in a week). There was a page in one of the books that I picked up about Friends who energise and Friends who drain you. lol, it all ties in with what Faiza and I were talking about a couple of days or so ago. I'm glad - it means I'm not an unappreciative dweeble.

And speaking of dweebles... gaaaaaaah.

I've decided to post on last summer and this summer and call the posts "Now You Know What I Did Last Summer" and "What I Did This Summer" haha... I'm corny, I know. :)

a daily dose of bleh

I remember what that inane dream was. I dreamt there was a huge-ass crack across the face of my watch. . Yes yes, I told you it was inane.

There have been many epiphanies over the weekend. And many musings of Canada. I've decided that it's always easier to be leaving rather than being left behind. I'll write more about this another time.

I read three books over the weekend, too. Fight Club, Haunted and Wicked. Yup, I finally bought Wicked.
Alrighty... am slightly distracted today.........

Random thoughts

I had a strange dream last night... It was weird and inane, and I really don't remember what the blazes it was about but I remember waking up and thinking about how I heard that we dream when our subconscious is ill at ease. I think I may have had another weird dream the night before as well. Oh well, I don't need those to tell me that my subconscious is ill at ease.

I got an e-mail from Jorge a couple of days ago which was oddly comforting. I haven't heard from him since I was agonising over recycled roses, and it was nice to hear from him. I used to be wonderful at keeping up with my correspondences but lately... well, I've been busy, as if that's a valid excuse. Anyway, the voice from a memory... Apart from reminding me of wonderfully blissful Canadian days of Sunday brunches and weekend getaways, he also spoke of life being a cycle - with a beginning and end and how all you have are moments that you should cherish. How people get into relationships because they have something to give you and how you shouldn't regret the time that you don't have but instead appreciate all the magic moments. I am paraphrasing. While his words carried meaning and yes, comfort, as they always do (I swear, North Americans [and Central Americans] have an uncanny ability to manipulate their emotions. I need to learn.)

When John left, Divya sent me an e-mail about all the different kinds of people in your life. One day I'll dig it up and post it. SOmething about how some people are here for a reason, a seaon... or something.

School starts on Monday and I cannot wait for it to begin. It's gonna be crazy and I'm gonna love every second of it! :)

Daffodils

Wordsworth's "Daffodils". Ahh. I wanted to put up something cheery and happy here just to balance out all the negative chi of the previous posts. The first poem that came to mind was this. It resounds of JC and England and the Lake District and Grasmere. It brings to mind sunny days, fluffy white clouds, a certain familiar reprieve from everything else that's happening around you. Yet at the same time, its meaning has sort of changed for me now that I read it again, as my life changed since the last time I read it. As we learnt in Literature and Other Arts, our own biography influences the way we interpret art (and by extension, poetry). Simply put, without making too much of a deal of it, the past six weeks were supposedly my daffodils.

"Daffodils" (1804)

I WANDER'D lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the Milky Way,
They stretch'd in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.
The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed -- and gazed -- but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:
For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

By William Wordsworth (1770-1850).

An Emotional Tirade

I believe I've found the solution to the emotions on/off switch. I've known it for a while now, but it doesn't always work.

You know, I like to think of myself as someone with no regrets. I am a firm believer that all things happen for a reason. That even though you may not see it now, somewhere in the future you'll look back and say "I know I was crushed as hell that i got kicked out of TPJC, but it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me and my life would not be as great now as it may have been had I been stuck in that repressive (in more ways than one) environment." I like to think of myself as a rational being. I can see the pros and cons of situations and assess it.

I know these things. These cognitive ideas and facts. They're there in my brain. I can happily recite them to the next person and make them sound matter-of-fact. Unfortunately, my freaking emotions are linked to my freaking heart, not my brain. And that makes me irrational.

When I say I'm not stupid, I'm lying. And that's why even when my brain is telling me that I'm being used, when all signs point to a dude being gay, when an obviously unattainable person crosses my path, I do the most obviously dumb thing and fall for them. w00t, i'm such a brilliant loser. When ten students come from an american university for a 6 week summer programme, despite all better judgement and warnings to keep a distance and not become emotionally attached to ephemeral beings who will inevitably (and definitely) fly off and once more leave you all alone and you'll never hear from them again despite contrary promises (although granted, not everybody is Greg. Well, maybe. We shall see, shan't we?).... Anyway, what was my point. Oh right. Against better rational judgement and lessons (obviously unlearnt) from previous experiences, what do I do? I spend every waking hour hanging out with them! Apparitions. Damned emotions!

I didn't explain about the switch, I know. Nor did I set out to. This is me blowing off steam to try and alleviate these stupid feelings. *rolls eyes* I'm starting to understand why people get worried about me reading my blog.

I want to hit the Reset Button of Life and come back as a cold-hearted emotionless bitch who feels no remorse, regret or pain. Or maybe as a nice fluffy bunny rabbit with non-red eyes.

Reality, more so than existence, is over-rated.

I feel my heart being seized by bitterness and a tinge of betrayal, although I know that I should know better to not let it affect me. After all, it's nothing I didn't already know. The whole freaking concept of reality baffles me. The idea of a shared consensus of reality as the basis of sanity confounds me. And Truth... is truth also over-rated? Does the rejection of Truth make you a coward? Or does it make you mad for creating your own reality. And if it holds true that you've created your own reality, does it not follow that you have also succeeded in creating your own Truth? And does that implicate you as a crazy loon?

I think I feel like the prisoners in Plato's Cave, not being able to move my head. Seeing only shadows on the wall - shadows and figments. Illusions, if you will, that someone has orchestrated. Whether conscious or not. We always want to control how others perceive us. So inevitably, we're not always honest in our representation. But I suppose that's what life is, eh?

"Fake." The word has echoed here and there over the past month or so. In my head, in my ears... I'm not entirely stupid. But sometimes naivete and idealism - Blake's concept of Innocence with its imagination and altruism, as idealistically utopic as it may seem, manipulates one into believing it's more within reach than one would imagine - get the better of you me. Pondering superficiality many many weeks ago, I wondered just how important sincerity was. Is it the means or the ends which matter more? A sentiment expressed - even if it weren't completely honest or sincere, would it matter if it made its recepient happy? If the lie succeeds and the metaphorical blue pill is swallowed successfully, would it matter that it was a lie to begin with? Would you crush that illusion? And what if the truth were to descend later, after the lie had been consumed? What happens is a crumbling of reality. And perhaps, a shattering of the soul.

If you were to embark on a journey seeking Truth, you ought to know that what you stumble upon could be annihilating. I've read enough books, watched enough movies - in short, engaged in enough vicarious living - to know that you never completely know everything and so you should never judge. But you can't help but feel how you feel. The fruit from the Tree of Knowledge expelled Adam and Eve from Heaven. One has to ask if it was worth it.

There is a disturbance in my force. A heaviness rests upon my heart and I'm faced with a compulsion to run. Just run. That compulsion doesn't strike very often, and when it does, you know something's up.

untuk lafaskan perasaan yang terpendam.

I think it's really interesting how reality and perception can have such a gulf between them. How one assumes that they would know someone (always a dangerous assumption), and then have something which completely shatters that illusion.

How astonishing the realization (there, I used a Z) that something which crushes you can be the very thing to set you back on the road you strayed away from. You rationalize and you rationalize. You are aware that people present different sides of themselves to different kinds of people; we go to different people to fulfill our different needs and we may choose to omit or edit or editorialize different aspects of ourselves. These are realities we can deal with, in time perhaps.

Faced with a more pleasurable illusion in the face of painful reality, which would you choose to hold? Would you believe a lie or an editorialized truth even when it makes you smile? Or would you question what you think you know and choose to believe what you see instead of what you feel?

Sure, knowledge may be power. But ignorance is bliss.

I really have to go to sleep now. In the immortal words of my now absent american friends, "There's nothing you can do about it so don't think about it and be happy."

Yeah, just get me drunk and high and we'll be a-okay. pfft.
Funny too, how there's a bright side to everything.

OIII. You need to WORK tomorrow so get your ass into bed, missy.

slowly the voids will fill again

"You are some kind of wonderful, you're wonderful... You are, you're everything to me..."

Dang, that Hi-5 song is in my head.
I really like Hi-5. They're cheery enough without making you want to stick something sharp into one of their eyes. AND they can sing!

This post is about the Patheticness of Me.

You absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle:
Everything I do is stitched with its colour.

- W.S Merwin


Seriously, something needs to be done about the leakiness of my eyes. It annoys me that I can't even read my own freaking letter (or anyone else's, for that matter!) without getting a lump in my throat and a blurry vision. dang. And I can't even say 'dang' without a little pang. ARGH.

It's ironic - I'm the one who came up with the whole "If you can't change your circumstances, you have to change your mindset" adage. Well, it may not be the most original thing, but I came up with it on my own and I was pretty proud of it too. That is, until now when I realise that things like that are easier said than done and requires an immense amount of denial.

I think I just need to find an equilibrium... While I'm looking for that equilibrium, I'm going to record the past six weeks. :) Just as I'd always meant to. *taps trusty old calender*

Reflections

I had dinner with Joseph and Visayon last night since Jo's just got back from the Philippines and I haven't seen Visayon in almost 6 weeks. As usual, the crazy choir exco was (and is) perpetually busy with choir-y stuff. Nonetheless, they found a slot in their busy schedules to fit me in for dinner, and Joseph mentioned several things to me which made me think:

First, he said that I looked happy.

Granted, I did spend most of last year terribly depressed (as he reminded me) and whining, moping and stressing. We both had really a really bad time last sem and found ourselves chanting "Life sucks" a lot. In fact, that sort of became our mantra. I'd forgotten all of that. lol. In retrospect, it seems a little bit silly when I look back. But just a tad, because I do recall it being a most painful time for me - I failed my first Sociology midterm (which was a blow to the ego and the CAP), got a darn B- on a Scitech essay, had 5 papers to write....... In any case, stress works as a motivational tool, sort of like a grain of sand in an oyster. I worked it and the semester only dented my CAP by 0.1 anyway.

But yes, I have been happy. I haven't been thinking about it much, but I have actually been really happy for the past few weeks. I've enjoyed hanging out with the Aggies, from lunch at Engineering on Tuesdays and Thursdays to weekends away and just chilling by beaches or under cloudy skies... Believe it or not, I actually like going on their field trips with them. Who'dve thunk it huh? It's hard to explain it, but they calm me down. I feel really mellow when I'm with them, like I don't have to think too hard or try to please. They make me smile all the time and they make me happy. They are the reason I'm happy.

I wouldn't say that the past six weeks have been surreal, but it's felt like an out-of-the-ordinary experience. Like going on exchange. I've attempted explaining it as something external to your real life, like an extension pack of sorts that you use to fuel yourself and when it's done it's just an empty shell to look at fondly on a mantlepiece or something. Victor Turner wrote a paper on rites of passage called "The Symbolic Passage of Time" or something like that. In the paper, he describes rites of passage as liminal periods marked as sacred periods in between 2 profane time frames. I'm going to have to re-read the paper to be accurate and more specific about this, but generally, as you leave your initial state of profane or normal mundane everyday existence, you have all these preparations like a ritualistic symbolic death. Then you enter your liminal or sacred period characterised by all these things that i can't be arsed to look up... anyway, this is the special period where you do things you wouldn't normally do. Rituals you follow, etc. And as you leave this sacred period, you are sort of "reborn" symbolically back into your profane existence.

It seems strange perhaps, but this time has been liminal and sacred for me too. It's been very special. They're special people. It's going to be hellishly sad when I have to say goodbye (soon) and I foresee tears and a period of mourning. But dang it, I think they're the best thing to happen to me this summer. *poke* ;)

Joseph also asked me how I've changed. How my life has been changed.

I said I needed to think that one through. Which I did, and this is what I think: I think that life is such that you don't notice change until some time after and you look back and see. There's various aspects to this, and I will get to them in time I'm sure. Right now, I believe I'm still in it, still within the process to notice any change. What I can do is share what I've learnt. Because essentially, it's what you learn and what you do with the knowledge that you've learnt which changes you, right? And I've learnt a lot. The job has taught me a lot, Evonne has taught me a lot and hanging around American engineers has taught me a lot. One day I will make a nice long post about what I have learnt. Today, alas, is not that day.

"... and thanks for all the fish"

Fernando bought me an NUS coffee mug today, which was very sweet of him and slightly ironic, considering the fact that I'm the NUS student and I should probably be the one buying him NUS paraphernalia. Alas, the selection of stuff at the co-op/bookstore is dismal at best and the person who designed and approved the designs for the T-shirts should be shot. Understandably, local NUS students are not the most spirited lot and you'd be hard pressed to find one who would actually don one of them t-shirts. And the fact that they're absolutely hideous doesn't help any. Alright, to be fair, the centennial t-shirt in black is not as abhorrent. And the black polo T with the NUS crest is rather nice. Still, I think we should come up with a "Design an NUS T-shirt" contest. Perhaps it would do something to up school spirit... and maybe create some school traditions... maybe that could be a thesis topic. Identity and identification.... *scampers off on that thought*

what a deliciously random post! :P

It's not about not seeing you anymore, it's knowing you're not there.

I'm staring in a state of half-shock, half-disbelief at the TAMU schedule that lies before me. I suppose it's one of those things I really should be used to, but how does one ever get used to saying goodbye? It's one thing if it were a simple matter of "see you again...maybe...in a couple of years" - although not to say that's not difficult either - but there's a cocktail of shock, sadness, and poignancy as well as a twinge of bittersweet longing in it.

It's mystifying just how much can happen in four to six weeks. We're at the wrong end of that time line and we're just spiralling through, like being sucked into a vortex of time gone by. There's so much to say which will inevitably remain unsaid. There's so much to do in such little time to do it. And there is a lot of emotion. Which, perhaps, should have never been there in the first place. Theoretically, it's an easy equation: if you remove the emotions, everything else will be quite easily dealt with. You stand on the other side of the airport, wave your charges goodbye and walk away ready to commence with another day. There's no aftermath of farewell to deal with, no voids in your life to fill up with inane activities and thoughts, no crack in your heart to patch up and no video reel of memories which make you smile and laugh and cry at the same time.

Initially, you think - What's six weeks? That's not enough time to get emotionally attached to anyone. Yeah, saying goodbye will be a breeze. *thwack* My foot, lah! I suppose, the first question that people always ask me is simply, if it was worth it. "Would you rather not have had that and make it easier on yourself?" Of course not. It's ironic, but the fact that it's so difficult to disentangle implies that there was something good there. It's easy to wave farewell to something which didn't impact you at all.

I suppose, you're always on the wrong side of the glass as long as you're not on the same side of the glass.

However, if I learnt one thing from them, it's this - "There's nothing you can do about it, so don't worry about it and just be happy." I've done this enough times to not be clouded by idealism. I know what will happen. No matter how hard you try, overseas experiences are like little funpacks of experiences. Divorced from your real life. It's like an extension pack you attach and when you're done with it, you're done with it. So what I am going to do now is simply to enjoy whatever little time we have left. I am going to seize the days and squeeze every last iota, whatever an iota may be, out of them. Screw essay deadlines, screw exams. We're gonna ride the hours and days like a flying horse through the wind. Or rather, more likely like a speedboat on choppy waters on the way to Phi Phi Lei. Bumps, bruises and thrills guaranteed. Who's with me?! ;)

articulation of thoughts

I do believe that I'm the World's Worst Procrastinator. My summer plan was to start a blog and begin writing seriously. No random thoughts, no jumble of rabble, no mere articulation of the soliloquiys inside my head. I was going to be a Social Commentator. Of sorts. I was going to be articulate and poetic. So what happened? I turned reticent. Not out of a lack of things to say or comment on, issues are always abundant and there is never a quiet moment in my mind. Nope, I'm just an awful, awful procrastinator. But here I go, rambling on and on about nothing again.

"Nothing will come out of nothing, speak again/Lest you mar your fortune" - King Lear

If you've known me long enough, you'd know this is the my favourite line to quote. Simply because it embodies a lot of things, a lot of ideals. Tis a flawed statement. Indeed, later on in the play the Fool asks the King "Canst you make something out of nothing, nuncle?" People could argue that it's the job of social scientists to "make something out of nothing" and you could interpret it in so many ways.

A little more about what I've been doing with my time in a little bit... but these are the things that are in my mind. I should probably do away with my goal of coherence; I find my blogs most effective when I'm just articulating my thoughts. My blog are as random as I am. They're like my synecdoche. Or metonymy. I forget which.

My defence of the Arts has always been its focus on aesthetics. I'm in love with words the way some people are in love with music. I'm in love with expression. Self-expression in whatever form, and I think I've been a terrible hypocrite all these years. Perhaps it's the way things work in Singapore, perhaps it's the way I never seem to belong in any of the groups of people where I feel the happiest - somehow I thrive on being the outsider - or perhaps these are mere excuses to an intrinsic character flaw, I don't know. Singapore places a great deal of emphasis on technicality, on excelling in studies, in productivity and numbers. Things like Literature and poetry don't matter in school. People come to university to earn a piece of paper. People fear passion and are threatened by enthusiasm.

I'm a Sociology major, so you don't have to give me lectures about stereotypes. Unfortunately, I've had a long standing grudge against the Engineering and Science people. Hey, perhaps it's a deep rooted subconscious resentment because they're better at Math and Science and they're gonna make a truckload of money more than me. Or perhaps sometime in History, one of them pissed me off. Whatever, I don't know. All I know, is that perhaps I've been unfair. When I went to Queen's, it was the Engineering people who got out Golden Words, the funniest, wittiest and smartest publication I've ever come across. And this year, I met an Engineering student who's astute and really nice. Plus, the A&M studs have really made me realise a lot of things. Which brings me to my job description -

And incidentally, the most legitimate reason to my procrastination: I got a job. And I've really been learning a lot on the job, too. I'm a Student Associate at the International Relations Office at NUS. Currently, I'm helping out with a Summer Programme for Texas A&M. (The whole job story is pretty funny, I'll tell it another time perhaps.) Engineering students, the lot of them. For the past month or so, I've been making phonecalls, updating schedules, coming up with itineraries, making more phonecalls... I was really looking forward to their arrival and now that they're here, my job is a lot of fun.

Today, for instance, we got to go on our first fieldtrip to a company which dealt with Engineering stuff. Which was interesting for me in a very different sort of way. The most interesting speaker was an Indian man whose name I never got. And he spoke of Engineering as an Art, as a form of aesthetics. And while I don't fully understand how this was, I appreciated the sentiment and it tied in with what Dr Leon spoke with me about yesterday during his campus tour. I spoke with Dr Leon (one of their profs who was visiting) about one of my possible thesis topics of emotional management, and he mentioned about doing a job you love to do and how you'll never have to work. He also said something about believing in what you're doing. Passion is an interesting thing. I believe it's one of those things that you can't stake claim to: you can't say something like "oh, I'm passionate about *insert Source of Passion here*" well, you could. But I believe that passion is something that people can tell without you having to say it. Passion is self-evident. And alas, passion in Singapore faces a tough battle against practicality and rationalism. Alas, Passion doesn't always emerge victorious.

Passion is like fire. That's what I believe. It can energise you, it can drive you to great heights. But unbridled passion can also burn you and scar you. You just have to know how to wied it. And that's what life is, or should be about. Learning how to wield passion. Which can be ironic.

I'm very lucky in a lot of ways. I really like my job. I haven't had it for very long, but I've been learning a lot. I'm a terribly blur person who resides in my own world for a lot of the time and the job is exposing how much I don't know the things that I should. It's making me realise that I don't have all the answers, that my perceptions on a lot of things are based on the very flawed assumptions I claim to criticise. It's teaching me to be more confident, to take a chance. It's working experience. And while I'm a total spaz when it comes to dry and wet etching and deposition and plasma and tool processing and how "the only wafers I know come with ice cream", these field trips are relevant to what I study and my interests insofar as it challenges my perceptions, it makes me think and reconsider the things I take for granted. Which is the very essence of sociology.