fuck empathy. save yourself.

Once upon a time, it used to be

Can I see another's woe
and not be in sorrow too?
Can I see another's grief
And not seek for kind relief?
Can I see a falling tear
And not feel my sorrow's share?

Blah.blah.blah.

And in one fell swoop, it suddenly became

Pity would be no more
If we did not make somebody poor
And Mercy no more could be
If all were as happy as we.

It's uncanny (and somewhat disturbing) how in the blink of an eye, I can embody all the different aspects of the Songs of Experience. Everything we lamented and critiqued about the world, manifested itself into physicality and entered my being. I have become the epitome of all I once abhorred.

"You're just jaded."

I'm tired. Sick and tired and just full of fatigue. I don't want to hear it anymore. Carrying other people's burden has now become physically painful. "Rationalisation is the essence of evil." "Anger is the hallmark of a healthy mind." All the quips and quotes I once expelled like a vending machine on crack. I can't take it anymore. Seriously. I'm only human. Empathy is a double edged sword.

I can sit there and listen to you whine and moan and lament and be bitter about the world. You can sit there and ask me what to do, what I think and I can (and I have) done all that I thought you needed. I have sat there in silence with you. I have sat across from you and listened. I have listened to you express your disdain for what they have done to you while thinking about how it was identical to what you did to me all those years ago. I have listened on the phone. I have held you tight. I have sat with you in the dark. And when you needed me to, I have told you what I think. I have told you what I would do in your situation, what I thought was the best cause of action. Because I love you and I want to see you happy. Don't you know that I share your pain?

The bloody cliche is that a sorrow shared is a sorrow halved. And laws of physics states that energy cannot be created nor destroyed. Where do you think it goes?

There is only so much I can take. And I am not a machine. There is only so much I can do. And after so many years, I think I'm running out of gas.

Whatever it was that was sustaining this, it's exhausted.

Somehow I have just ceased to give a shit.

And the unfortunate thing is that it's spreading like a disease coursing through my veins. It's spread. It's not just you anymore. I always said, indifference is worse that hatred. Indifference means you no longer care.

Dear you,
I no longer care.

I hereby withdraw my membership to your life.

Yours sincerely.