I am tired

I feel myself being anxious and disconcerted a lot these days. "She smiled a smile that never reached her eyes." That line keeps playing in my mind as I go about my day. I never thought it would happen to me. I thought the world of experience had been transcended! I was so wrong. sigh. I was talking to Shangy a couple of days ago and he said, in relation to work, "Leave your soul at home."

The idealist in me protested. In this job, you can't not bring your soul to the job. You might as well be an automaton otherwise. But then again, there are aspects of - perhaps not this vocation exclusively, but the rules of employment and general interaction as a whole, which siphons all the spirit out of you. Rules of engagement, politics, basic rules of civility? You can't be an idealist if you want to survive. I'm grasping at air with all my Blakean ideals which truth be told, have been eroding over the years anyway.

On the bright side, I am quite thankful to have a pretty supportive network of people who help me get through the days. Honestly, I'm not sure what I would do without them. Probably talk to imaginary people.

...

Talking about something else altogether now, you know, when you're stuck in a hapless infatuation for 8 years, you make yourself comfortable. Regardless of the pain of rejection (whether implied or direct), the unrequitedness, the battles with the self-esteem monsters, one thing you're sure of is that you know where you're at. If you're resentful, you know why. The feelings are so deep-rooted that you know what they are. It's not unfamiliar. Even if it's unpleasant, it's .... well, it's a part of you.

But when you've cast that aside, when you've gotten your closure and you're ready to face the world again (so to speak). It's like ... trying to walk again after spending 8 years in a wheelchair. It's the stumbing, the anxiety, the what-is-this-feeling-and-why-the-hell-am-i-feeling-it emotional rollercoaster. It's ill-timed. God knows I'm getting too old for this.

In the Disney movie Hercules, the ingenue, Meg, sings a song.
It begins with "If there's a prize for rotten judgement, I guess I've already won that/No man is worth the aggravation, that's ancient history/Been there, done that..."

Then it continues:
"Who'd you think you're kidding/He's the earth and heaven to ya/Try and keep it hidden/something about you got it baaaad"

Lalalala.
Seriously.
Someone needs to invent an emotion switch. Just so you can sort of postpone having to deal with any emotions.