the subconscious hush

I haven't blogged in eons and suddenly, out of nowhere, I am struck by a sudden thought.

It has been a long time since I have been able to express myself freely. Sometimes you get so used to censorship that you don't realise what you have been reduced to. There is an uneasiness you feel that you can't quite put your finger on. There is contrivance, there is thought behind each sentiment you express, each expression you allow yourself to show. Yes, there are times when you can't quite wield it and there are times when you lose control but it is not the same thing as free expression. Saying something just because you're thinking it. Even if it doesn't make sense. Not giving a rat's ass about what people will think about it, what people will say. To just "say what we feel, not what we ought to say".

To be free to be you.

There is a cathartic liberation when it happens. A frisson of delight from a random thought. It takes a lot to be able to do that with somebody. To not fear judgement.

I have just come to realise just how much I have been holding back in my interactions with people. Yes, I am admitting that I am aloof.

I imagine rapturous laughter emerging from some who read that statement but I think it is true. I'm repressed. After all the Helen Huntingdons and Marianne Dashwoodline effusions, I turn out to be Eleanor Dashwood. Gah.

William Blake's 'Angel', "shielding her fears with ten thousand spears" and bloody "pale virgin shrouded in snow".

Maybe it's time to be honest and open with myself.
Regardless of repercussions.

Perhaps
it is time
to unleash.