rite of passage

well.

practicame-and-went.

c'est fini. it's over.
(but it's just the beginning.)

Over the past two weeks, I have had much to say. I've hashed it out in my mind, had long conversations with the voices in my head. But catharsis doesn't happen until words flow through the fingers to see light on paper, on screen - until it becomes tangible. So the next few posts will all be related even if seemingly random.

The past ten weeks have really been a roller coaster. It's such a cliche, but I've only just been able to see the big picture. This is no time for regrets, but for learning and reflection. It wasn't until the end that I saw what I should have seen from the beginning, which was: it should be about them. Have that in mind, and everything else will follow. It disappoints me that I wasn't able to manifest that although at the back of my head, I knew it. I didn't start to love them until towards the end. But the truth is, I did start to love them, and I let them know it. And the response I got was both touching and overwhelming. So much for keeping at arm's length.

We talked about it at Meranti. Care is the central concern. We talked about how they knew. We talked. That is the point - we talked. One thing (one of a plethora of things) I learnt is that in this business, it is more important to do. Intelligence is important, but the truth is, it's not essential. It's all in the delivery, in the transmission, the communication. What is it that you leave them with? A working knowledge of what poetry and prose is? Or a desire to find out more, borne out of an experience of the joys of literature? It's not about you. You are just the vessel. It's all about them.

I wish I could have done more. The truth is, I lost sight of why I was in it. What my motivations were, what I wanted. I didn't see it. The technicality of it all - the obsession with technical SIOs and their terminology, the texts, the incessant planning coupled with the exhaustion and seemingly routine monotony - they were my shackles. I was rarely myself, with them I had to put on a persona. And too late, I realised, that worked against me.

But never mind that. It's something that became clearer as Week 10 approached. Life is about making mistakes and learning from them. Over the past 12 years of my life, I realise that is the best way I learn. The pain keeps the lesson fresh.
:)

Passion, love and care.
These things need time, and some people need more time than others.
Once they blossom, they're hard to push back to the ground.

Thank god I see it now.

Perhaps the past 10 weeks was a time of liminality. We are not the same people we were 10 weeks ago.

We're better.

We are all Meranti seeds which grow into Meranti trees; bearing our own seeds.

crowd control - stay at home.

A molecule in an ocean of people.

I'm not sure whether it was the Fireworks show, the fact that I have been cocooned in lovely not-too-crowded heartlands or a combination of factors, but City Hall on Friday was just plain madness. Coming out of the train station, I just wanted to turn back, go home and hide under my covers where it was safe. Against better judgement however, I braced the crowd, letting them consume me, jostle me and violate my personal space.

It was the coop during the first week of school: "I got banged again."

Hordes of people, just spilling out of buildings.

Why do people subject themselves to this? In that moment, prior fantasies about marrying a farmer in New Zealand and rearing cows and sheep on mountains came rushing back. La Moine Point's tranquility flashed in my mind's eye. I thought about WalMart and its wide accommodating aisles. Lake Ontario in summer. ahhhhh. Happy thoughts. I flashbacked to my first Canadian Odyssey epiphany - the one about people living amongst nature and away from Man being less inclined to insanity. I can think of a million places I would rather be.

I am tired

I feel myself being anxious and disconcerted a lot these days. "She smiled a smile that never reached her eyes." That line keeps playing in my mind as I go about my day. I never thought it would happen to me. I thought the world of experience had been transcended! I was so wrong. sigh. I was talking to Shangy a couple of days ago and he said, in relation to work, "Leave your soul at home."

The idealist in me protested. In this job, you can't not bring your soul to the job. You might as well be an automaton otherwise. But then again, there are aspects of - perhaps not this vocation exclusively, but the rules of employment and general interaction as a whole, which siphons all the spirit out of you. Rules of engagement, politics, basic rules of civility? You can't be an idealist if you want to survive. I'm grasping at air with all my Blakean ideals which truth be told, have been eroding over the years anyway.

On the bright side, I am quite thankful to have a pretty supportive network of people who help me get through the days. Honestly, I'm not sure what I would do without them. Probably talk to imaginary people.

...

Talking about something else altogether now, you know, when you're stuck in a hapless infatuation for 8 years, you make yourself comfortable. Regardless of the pain of rejection (whether implied or direct), the unrequitedness, the battles with the self-esteem monsters, one thing you're sure of is that you know where you're at. If you're resentful, you know why. The feelings are so deep-rooted that you know what they are. It's not unfamiliar. Even if it's unpleasant, it's .... well, it's a part of you.

But when you've cast that aside, when you've gotten your closure and you're ready to face the world again (so to speak). It's like ... trying to walk again after spending 8 years in a wheelchair. It's the stumbing, the anxiety, the what-is-this-feeling-and-why-the-hell-am-i-feeling-it emotional rollercoaster. It's ill-timed. God knows I'm getting too old for this.

In the Disney movie Hercules, the ingenue, Meg, sings a song.
It begins with "If there's a prize for rotten judgement, I guess I've already won that/No man is worth the aggravation, that's ancient history/Been there, done that..."

Then it continues:
"Who'd you think you're kidding/He's the earth and heaven to ya/Try and keep it hidden/something about you got it baaaad"

Lalalala.
Seriously.
Someone needs to invent an emotion switch. Just so you can sort of postpone having to deal with any emotions.

stupid head.

AAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHH!

I despise feeling this way. It's like there's something nibbling away on my insides, just gnawing away... chompchompchomp. It's just a certain uneasiness that doesn't allow me to rest my mind. It's passive aggresive stress. Something nagging at the back of my mind, ugh.

Goodness.

Maybe I really do need a certified shrink.

The perils of dependence and complacency.

"No one should get themselves used to anything, Eduard. Look at me, I was beginning to enjoy the sun again, the mountain, even life's problems, I was beginning to accept that the meaninglessness of life was no one's fault but mine. I wanted to .... feel hatred and love, despair and tedium, all those simple and foolish things that make up everyday life, but which give pleasure to your existence...."

- Veronika Decides to Die

sigh.

*insert one big sigh*

Keeping sunshine in my heart.

It's only been a little more than a month and yet it seems as though years have passed since Canada/London happened. sigh. I honestly don't remember ever feeling that carefree. haha! Oh, if only I had known... I need another vacation like that now. The trip was so many levels of wonderful that I honestly don't think words will do it justice. However, I'm going to write about it.

Unfortunately, Procrastination is once more rearing its ugly head and I must again succumb to its will.

encore.

I found this particular post I wrote - what - two years ago? And goodness, its sentiments still ring true today. Spooky.

Ever wonder if your life (or why) is lived out in leitmotifs?

I do.

yatz (yatzerooni) wrote,@ 2006-02-08 23:53:00

it's all relative.This week has been incredibly surreal. It's true what they say - regardless of how bad you think things are going for you, there is always somebody who's having an even worse time. Compared to recent events, my problems are puny and petty. Still, it has stimulated thought and reflection in one who rarely thinks.

Disasters like 9/11 and the tsunami are grandscale disasters. You know a bad thing happened, and you feel sorry for them, but they're a distant reality. When someone closer to home, someone you care about encounters a terrible loss, your reality gets shaken. You take stock of the people in your life and evaluate your relationships with them. What would you regret if they were to be gone tomorrow? And if you knew you'd never see them again - ever - what would you do? What would you say to them? Would you still waste your time on people you don't care about? Life is fragile.

This is not a proper time to bring up my new obsession with Grey's Anatomy, but this week's episode began with her questioning why people procrastinate doing something... and amounted it to fear, until it becomes akin to carrying around a 60 pound tumour everywhere you go. You don't go to the doctor when you find strange pus-filled bumps all over your body. You wait to see if it goes it away. You PRAY that it goes away. You're scared of what it might be. It could be cancer. Or it could be a skin infection. One thing about knowing you're going to expire is that there's nothing left to fear. People talk all the time about seizing the day. We should start doing it. But that's the idealist in me talking.

In reality, I don't think people really want you to declare your feelings for them. Whatever they may be. If I were to solemnly stop one day in the middle of my mee pok dry, look up at my lunch companion, look at them straight in the eye and tell them that I love them, appreciate their presence in my life and would be a mere fraction of the person I am today without them, I think they would get very uneasy. It's a notion saved for birthday cards and light moments in a "love ya, babe" sentiment. Or it's something you show in other little ways. It's all in interpretation - Clifford Geertz's notion of a wink and twitch.

Contrary to what people think of me, and strangely, contrary to the way I perceive myself also, I am terrible with showing emotion. Or with sharing my feelings. I always speak of them in a third-party way. I am socially awkward. I avoid things with standard expectations of social graces because I'm afraid I'll make a terrible faux pas. Which I tend to do. So I get stiff. I stay silent. I smile. I hold back my tears to the best of my ability. I never know what to say. This social shortcoming, I only acknowledged today.

There are times when I want so much to just grab a person and hold them. Or be held. I feel that's one of life's greatest comforts - a good embrace. And that's the best I can offer. When it comes to saying things, I'm stumped. People say I wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't usually have to say anything, the way I feel about someone is often plastered on my forehead. Usually. Last night, my 'rift' and issues with former alliances came in question. Someone called me on it. At least I am civil to them now, but I don't bother being warm. I didn't expect to be called on it. What's going on in my life right now is that a piece of my history is being revised, edited. Second/Third/Fourth Edition. The thing with history is that you don't want your stupidity to repeat itself. You make mistakes to repeat them, and then learn from the scars. You don't want to regress. But times have changed, and you know who you are and what you want (maybe). What is it you want to know? It's something deeply entrenched in emotion. Something you don't want to drown in. But something you're irrevocably drawn towards.

Proceed with Caution.There is no Lifetime Guarantee on friendships. It's a living, thriving thing which you can quell with unconscious cruelty, neglect with time or nurture with mutual effort. It can fade away, it can expire. It can break, and it can be put together. I've learnt so much this week, and it's only Wednesday.One thing I can say about this -It forces you to mature, whether you're ready for it or not.But don't worry. You're not alone.

struck.

Hahaha.

Goodness! When it strikes, it strikes!

I think the reason why I haven't blogged in so long is because I used to blog in hostel. It was part of the routine. I had much to say and I said it. And then somehow, things just stopped mattering.

Sad, I know.

I keep putting it off but I really want to write about the trip. Ahh, the trip! There is so much I wanted to say and still do. So many things sort of... became so clear.

Like the way I lost my voice those years ago.
I say now, Screw that. Give me my voice back.

Sometimes I just need to give myself a good talking to.
If that fails, then I just need to talk to myself.

Lalala.

the subconscious hush

I haven't blogged in eons and suddenly, out of nowhere, I am struck by a sudden thought.

It has been a long time since I have been able to express myself freely. Sometimes you get so used to censorship that you don't realise what you have been reduced to. There is an uneasiness you feel that you can't quite put your finger on. There is contrivance, there is thought behind each sentiment you express, each expression you allow yourself to show. Yes, there are times when you can't quite wield it and there are times when you lose control but it is not the same thing as free expression. Saying something just because you're thinking it. Even if it doesn't make sense. Not giving a rat's ass about what people will think about it, what people will say. To just "say what we feel, not what we ought to say".

To be free to be you.

There is a cathartic liberation when it happens. A frisson of delight from a random thought. It takes a lot to be able to do that with somebody. To not fear judgement.

I have just come to realise just how much I have been holding back in my interactions with people. Yes, I am admitting that I am aloof.

I imagine rapturous laughter emerging from some who read that statement but I think it is true. I'm repressed. After all the Helen Huntingdons and Marianne Dashwoodline effusions, I turn out to be Eleanor Dashwood. Gah.

William Blake's 'Angel', "shielding her fears with ten thousand spears" and bloody "pale virgin shrouded in snow".

Maybe it's time to be honest and open with myself.
Regardless of repercussions.

Perhaps
it is time
to unleash.

Capitalising on Rites of Passage

I have a t-shirt that reads 'Enjoy Capitalism'. Indeed it seems that capitalism is so embedded within our everyday lives that we can scarcely seek to escape it. I'm graduating soon and yesterday I was to collect my academic gown. Honestly, I should have known better but I expected a small room with a counter and to be done in ten minutes or so. For you NUS undergrads, grads and alumni who are shaking your heads at me right now, I reiterate - I really should have known better.

What it was was an odd reprise of matriculation. "The wheel has come full circle; I am here" indeed. It's a circle isn't it. A cycle, if you may. It's like exchange. More often than not, you end where you begin - at the airport. Everything is the same except the person you are. You stand at the beginnning once more, reminded of the person you were once upon a time. The characteristics of youth, the twinkle in your eye. A hopeful optimism, perhaps and a fresh eagerness to make a difference in the world. And now, you're once more situated where you began and you take stock of what you lost and what you gained. Who you have become. What you have allowed yourself to be. Another rite of passage. No longer liminal, now to be reggregated once more into society. To be unleashed upon the merciless world.

Of course, to be inundated by people luring you into materialism and wanting your money. And I, of course, buying into everything. haha. I paid too much money yesterday for things that I don't even have yet. Deposits for photographs, gowns for ceremonies that have yet to come, deposit on the most important book in my life yet...

An identity crisis awaits

I can't wait to start anew. A fresh beginning and a clean slate. We don't have many opportunities to hit the Reset button and Ctrl-Alt-Del our lives away. As humans, we're doomed to make the most of what life hits us with or just live with the mistakes and the scars they leave upon our souls. Perhaps it's a test of our mettle. Maybe it's the core of our existence, the forces which shape us and give direction to what we will eventually be. Either way, when faced with the opportunity to disregard history, to lose our excess baggage (which hurts a whole damn lot, considering the price one has to pay to take it on board) or better still, throw it away; we seize that chance. To be whoever we want to be. To feel, at least, like we can.

But what if that was a lie? As I finished typing that paragraph, it occured to me that somehow, for the past 4+2+4 = 10 years (wow) of my life, that's what I've been doing. I transferred out of East View Secondary School to go to Pasir Ris Secondary School at Secondary 3 where I met some of my favourite people and felt like somehow I was a worthy human being, deserving of the oxygen I breathe. I was kicked out of TPJC after 3 months which was more of a blow than anyone understood only to head off to SRJC where as a blessing in disguise, I found more joy and meaning in the days I spent there with the people I found. Next came my days in NUS where in my second year I headed off to the other side of the world to do my exchange.

I'd never realised it until now, but there I go. voici. It would appear that there is no permanence in my life, that inherently, ephemerality is the constant. There is nothing good or bad about this, but I think it perhaps explains the person that I am, that I have turned out to be. I escape. I run away from my problems, waiting for the next turn in my life or the next fork in the road. Using new challenges to bury past failures. And here I am, doing it again. I graduate next month, and so begin a new phase of my life. A truly new phase. And I'm scared out of my mind. This is my chance to wield the sculptor's knife, to control the direction of my life. I feel thrust into the open, 'Here you go', the World declares. 'I'm here for you to conquer'.

What now?
Is it time to change the world a step at a time? To turn my world inside out, upside down again for the first time? The truth is, we get so comfortable in our gilded, velvet-lined iron cage that, well, we don't notice the bars anymore.

Exchanges

Going on exchange isn't about going on an extended holiday. Of course, if that's the way you want to play it then of course it could be. But going on exchange gives you the opportunity to do so much more than that. It gives you the opportunity to step into the shoes of the people you live amongst. Complete immersion is rarely achieved of course, but you get a taste, a sample of what life is like in a place wholly different from where you grew up in. Christine thinks you can get this even if you don't know any locals. According to her, you're doing all those everyday things like setting up a bank account anyway, so that gives you the experience of living in Singapore. I don't know. I'm inclined to think that living in Singapore for 4 months and not knowing any Singaporeans personally is really quite sad.

Being on exchange is about building relationships, sharing lives and fusing souls. The term 'exchange' program isn't just about the reciprocal exchanges of people between the universities. It's about the exchanging of lives: I show you how I live, I take you into my life and vice-versa. As much as this exchange is a wonderful thing for both parties, and indeed, that's what my thesis wanted to focus on (although I'm facing some difficulty writing that chapter), there are some difficulties involved which could explain the reluctance on the part of members of the host community to let any of these exchange students deep into their lives.

For exchange students, their lives here aren't their essential existence. It's a life apart from their reality. Sometimes you think it's not real, after all whatever happens here won't really matter when they go back home. It's a liminal period, as I am always saying.

It's a separate life, complete with its own symbolic birth, life and death. These people come into your lives, they interrupt it and then they leave. They're what Chuck Palahniuk calls "Single Serving Friends", a 3-in-one sachet of friendship which lasts 4-9 months at any given time. Usually it's a welcome interruption though. They bring so much into your life, they bring magic and wonder and they revalourise things you've grown weary and disenchanted with. But this is your real life. These are the chapters of your life that you live every single day, it's not an appendix. So when they leave and they go back to their realities, their experience here becomes frozen in a memory. In a picture frame, hanging on the wall. It's an appendix to their life. But it's a hole in yours. As more people come and go from your life, you become more fragmented. People take pieces of you with them as they leave parts of themselves with you. You become a bricolage, a postmodern entity.

You're left being a dirty mistress, literally. As they go back to their spouses. They have real lives to go back to but when they leave, what happens to you? Do they get us hooked on a high we can't afford? When we become little but memory. Is that why we keep visitors on the periphery of our lives? When we know they're gonna leave us, do we hold them at arm's length? Or would we embrace them will all we have left?

The truth is, they transform us too. They come into our lives and shake things up. They bring epiphanies and joy... at least, if you let them in. You have to let the right people in though. I think exchange life, here in NUS, people like numbers. The wider your social pool, the more options you have for travel partners. We here who live our daily lives here. And from here on I'm just talking about me. I've come to realise it's all about compatibility of personality. Some people interrupt your life in a way you'd rather not have it interrupted. They can offend. Without meaning to, I suppose. It's just ironic sometimes. Though I do have to wonder how much of a hypocrite I'm being.

Anyway. I guess the point is that when you want to have magic and fairydust in your life, you're gonna have to deal with the pumpkins and rats that embody the aftermath.

Alienation and Anomie

Here's a boring little narrative post -

I woke up way too early today, at 6 am, for APAIE. It was my job to go collect the Board of Directors from their hotel and I was to be there at 7.15 am. Suffice it to say, it was 7 am and I was still standing - or pacing, rather - on Pasir Panjang Road cursing under my breath at the dearth of cabs. One thing I've learnt from my Texas Aggies is that things always work out fine and that i worry unnecessarily way too much. So I took a breath and called information for a cab number. I called them twice, twice hanging up on then to hail a taxi off the road. Fortunately, I successfully hopped into a cab at 7.10 am. At 7.25 I reached the Meritus Mandarin and still had to wait for them to arrive. hah. See, everything ultimately works out fine. Breeeathe.

I like mornings, I really do. I like the quiet of it. How the sounds of the day slowly creep into your consciousness as they awaken. I like the still of things, how cool the breeze is. I like feeling like I still have most of the day ahead of me, ready to be conquered.

I don't like people. Increasingly, the ones who cross my mind and unfortunately, my path have tended to get on my nerves. My patience is short these days, my zen threshold has fallen considerably. I have many theories, some of which I will share at some pointg or other. I've just written Robin an e-mail expressing some of my many grievances. I miss him, really. He's one of the few exchange students I really got on well with. We had this argument in 2004 about group dynamics, and how one does things one may not necessarily enjoy to keep the privilege of membership and the benefits associated with that membership. Being the naive idealist I was back then, I really rejected that notion. I thought it was conniving, deceitful and transactional. And insincere. I've grown up since then, crossed over to the Dark Side of Rationality and the realm of Blake's Experience.

Here's what I think now: it's a necessary evil for those who don't have time to build sincere and deep, meaningful soulful relationships with people. See, those kinds of interactions take time and commitment and develop. And people these days just don't have that. These days, it's all about quantity. I think it's perhaps symptomatic of the modern society - I hesitate to say ills thereof, but deep inside I think that's what it is - the whole concept of disposability. My 3 Main Evils: Disposable, Replaceable and Dispensable. This year has seen me turn over all my Blakean ideals. Back then, I told Rob "If you don't want to go, don't. We'll call you the next time we do something and see if you wanna join us. See, if your friends really like you, that's what they'll do." Relationships between people these days are very ephemeral. From what I hear, Habermas agrees with me on this. Not having read him, I can't comment. Anyway, it's like a disposable sachet of friendship. Use and discard as required. When another need arises, you pick another one out of a box.

I must say, it works for many people. Alas, I'm not one of them. I've never been the most sociable person around. And I don't do well in crowds. I don't know how to fight for attention, I don't know how to hold a crowd. I do deep conversations, probing of souls. Getting to know a person. Or so I thought that was who I was. I'd always wondered what it would be like to be a social butterfly, to know lots of people. Now that I think about it, that's what last semester was. I met maaany people and never really got to know them well. It's hard to be special to someone's life when they've got a gazillion other people in their lives. I think perhaps this is the source of my discontent.

The thing is, it's awesome to have that person and I do have a couple of core friends, as opposed to "oh-i'll-sit-and-eat-with-you" people. But when you're in a group of core friends and you feel like you're sitting on the periphery of that, I guess that sucks.

And I think sometimes that when you're someone who is slightly introverted in a group of people who share commonalities that you don't, you're gonna be unfortunately marginalised, even if nobody intended for it to be so. Alienated. Anomie.

little miss angsty strikes again

I know that by now, I should no better than to expect anything. And I know that all one can do is just deal with whatever comes (or doesn't come) our way. But that doesn't mean it's any less frustrating! And since no engineer has yet created the on/off switch for stupid emotions, people around me too, will just have to deal with my mood swings.

lol, I've been ranting a lot in the office these past couple of weeks. My fellow SAs have had to bear witness to the manifestation of little miss googly-eyed for one day and exchange worried looks with each other over why yati is smiling and giggling to herself again; little miss angry bitch who ranted and raved about some random insensitive bitch who made the mistake of incurring her latent and repressed wrath thereby unleashing the monster within... and i suppose today, they will have to deal with little miss depressed-though-she-should-know-better. I'm a whole Little Miss Series by myself. I should get t-shirts. Unfortunately, the ones I've seen cost waaay too much for any sane person to spend money on. As much as I support displaying one's identity on one's chest, I just refuse on the basis of principle to pay S$47 for it. Even if it was embroidered with mithril or gold or bird's nest. I say, for that price, you might as well read the expression on my face. hahaha... then again, maybe it's for people like that stupid dragon-wrath-incurrer (otherwise known as the subject of last week's Rant) who are unable to read people's expressions and react accordingly.

I wonder what life, what society would be like if one day t-shirts were invented that displayed the wearer's thoughts. Man, what a mess that would be.

I've been thinking a lot lately, about how one's self worth is contingent on technology these days. I once had a theory that people entered relationships (as in romantic relationships) for self validation and when they broke up, the pain and the mess were all in response to the shattering of one's validation and self esteem. If we finally reach the stage of confidence when we are so self-assured and confident that we don't need anyone else validating our existence... then I'd say men would probably be obsolete. Or more accurately, love would be obsolete. Relationships would be redundant. Or maybe they'll just evolve into something else. Let's face it... deep down inside, everyone is a little insecure. Everyone just wants to be loved. Sometimes it's amazing how much a little hug can mean to someone's day.

And yes, I just realised that I never followed up on my thought about the contingency of self worth on technology. oh well, luckily this is a blog post and not an essay.

I think I may have made a terrible mistake in my rush to come back to campus. I'm going crazy.

Intro to self
- 4th and final year FASS student
- Sociology major, writing thesis on interactions between exchange students and NUS students
Where I went
- Queen's University in Kingston
- between Toronto and Montreal
- 2nd sem of 2nd year (2005)
Why?
- experience Canadian winter
- something completely different
- challenge myself
- isolate myself from everything familiar and see how i thrive
- travel, seize opportunity to see the other side of the world
- escape Singapore, venture beyond my comfort zone
Friends/Student Unions/School Spirit Festivals/Culture

- Harkness Hall: living with people from Canada, Hong Kong, France, UK
- speed dating, movie nights, school productions
- attending conferences: AIESEC, ASUS
- going on trips: Toronto, Montreal, Ottawa, Niagara, Quebec
- applying concepts learnt: in terms of tourism, geography
- meeting locals: Nick, Emily, Scott
- birthdays: minnie’s surprise party, sacha’s birthday

Studying
- profs and students
- learning new things: IDIS 306 Culture, Identity and Self with Paul Fairfield; French; Women and reproductive technology; Religion and Film
- most learning happened outside the classroom from talking to people, observing surroundings, building relationships
- studying by the lake, studying on the grass

Shopping & Eating
- foodwise, I acquired a fondness for salads and pasta; fortune cookies; Asian food, cheap pizza, living like a starving student
- shopping… was not everything


New things
- Skiing, skating, curling, ice hockey
- learning French, picking up Spanish
- traveling solo
- pub culture: socializing
- making the best out of everything: even though I don’t drink, I learnt about the social habits of Canadians
- representing Singapore: goring pisang tak jadi, fettucine and oyster sauce

Day to day life
- supermarkets: walmart, food basics, A&P

Places of interest
- Staying at Nick’s for a weekend
- Fort Henry
- Toronto’s vintage culture; very cool
- Ottawa’s museums and galleries
- New York City’s EVERYTHING

along the way

It's been a long time since I've last penned my thoughts on anything permanent that I can hold against myself. Too many thoughts, too many emotions, too many wrong turns. I've always thought that you blog when you're upset. It's as CS Lewis says "We don't write to be understood, we write to understand." I haven't written anything. I just did it.

Here's the rub: At the end of the day, you just have to deal with it. Whatever it is. There's really no use dwelling about things. I was thinking in the office today that we're always victims of our own narratives. We make excuses, we victimise ourselves. If we were to step back and look at ourselves, what would we see? Who did we hurt along the way? Whose heart did we stamp on? I like to think the best of people, regardless of how naive it may seem to be. I really doubt that people make decisions to be bitchy or full of malice or to break someone's heart, spirit or soul. I think sometimes we all just try to save our own asses first. And we're blind to everything else.

I'm done.
I'm moving on.
I may have lost 6 or 7 years but damn it, at least it wasn't 10 or 20.
At the end of the day, I'm gonna have to contend with the voices in my head and if they're okay with me then so am I.

Contrary to what it may sound like, I am not complaining.
But I have had very little sleep this week. Sporadic.
I'm weak, what can I say?
Without sleep, i get cranky.
*yawn*
Paper due in 2.5 hours. - 5 minutes. GAH.
I'm hungry.
& I'm nowhere near done!!

i have chicken pox.

- do you have a fever?
- umm, i'm not sure.
- you need to check?
- uhh yeah, i think i probably should check.

*couple of minutes later*

38.4 degrees.
- yeah, i think i have a fever. is that a fever?
- yes, it's a high fever.
- oh. okay.